During my Xmas holidays in Barcelona I
met my dear friend Luis Fortes, fashion designer, who gave me this series of
pictures he took of me and my boyfriend around 1978 at his boyfriend’s home. At
the time my boyfriend and me had been on heroin already for one year. I was
sixteen and he was eighteen. I had quit my mom’s house and went to live with
him and other friends. It got worse later on, we lost our friends and fell into
a bottomless pit. We tried to stop several times but it didn’t work. One day my
sister told me my Dad didn’t want to see me anymore. I didn’t realize this back
then, but this pushed me to leave my boyfriend and quit drugs. I didn’t really
want to destroy my life. I wanted to get attention from my family. I wanted to
be seen.

Why seen? I felt invisible, 5th in a
family of 6 sisters, after my parents separation and my mother’s depression.
But the problem of being seen started many years before this…

When I was born in 1962, I was the fifth
of six sisters. I had all the attention from my sisters, my aunts, my father,
our baby-sitter and most important of all, my mother. I felt like a queen…
until my youngest sister Ana was born. Everybody’s attention went naturally to
the newborn baby. Suddenly I felt invisible, so I started to feel inadequate,
unworthy of love, and this feeling has never left me completely…

Whenever a camera was pointed at me I was
thrilled and I immediately tried to establish a special relationship with the
camera lense. But when Ana was around, she always happened to get into the
way… 

This is why, in 1988, after 5 years of
heroin, 1,5 years in a rehab centre and 2 years of psychotherapy, I started
taking self-portraits. I needed to see myself, to give myself the attention I
needed so much, to reproduce my mother’s look.